Where are you hiding?

This past week I received this private message from someone new to me. Upon receiving it, I realized this was the first time ever I had received a compliment directly for my work on the company I co-founded over 12 years ago, that has been used by tens of millions of people.

I had made it impossible before that.

This made me profoundly sad for the person I was for an entire decade.

Initially, I thought it would be “best for the business” if I hid my lack of traditional tech experience. Who would believe that this former world-famous DJ and comedy stage hypnotist had hand-built all the technology for an automated webinar system? We’d never have any customers if they knew the truth, is what I thought.

I took it so far I even created an alias to work under, that my own employees interacted with. I didn’t take phone calls from customers, because I was afraid of feeling stupid when they spoke in tech language that I didn’t share.

I siloed myself, with my business partner, Geoff, acting as intermediary between me and absolutely everyone else. Our staff, sub contractors, customers, everyone.

For many years, the only reference to me at all on the sales page was a passing reference by Geoff to having found “a suitable partner” that helped execute his idea.

It was a personal private hell that I had created for myself.

In a way, I “sold out”. The business was profitable from day one. I received monthly dividends for 50% of all profits. The money was so significant, literally millions of dollars, I was terrified of harming this golden goose. I had to stay hidden, or risk everything.

It was a poisonous thought. Bought and paid for by money. All that money couldn’t make me feel good about myself, as I hid from everyone.

I remember a phone call I had with Geoff some years ago when things became untenable for me. I was afraid of what would happen if people learned the “truth”. Geoff was adamant it would not affect the business, because in the end what I created worked and was being used by people.

He was right, of course, but it took me a while to come around. The first step I took was add my part to the “About Us” page. I started emerging from my self-imposed exile.

The irony, is the things that I was most ashamed to reveal about myself are what makes my story the most compelling.

As sad as receiving that message was, I also realized it doesn’t speak to who I am today. I can feel sad for a past version of me, but that is no longer who I am. For that, I am grateful.

Part of the work I’m doing on myself these days is letting myself shine again on stage. Just as I had for many years as a DJ and rave promoter, conducting the energy in a room of thousands, creating community for many more, being a magnet for a secret generation.

My stage these days is Zoom, mostly, as I figure out what that next thing is for me and who is out there that will benefit from me.

This article was inspired by my own declaration that my blog is about sharing the things I’ve learned, and specifically my mistakes.

If you’re honest with yourself, where might you be hiding in your own life, out of fear of risking everything you have?

What’s one step you can take to challenge that thought?