I woke up, around 2am, and felt difficulty breathing. I could feel a tightness in my chest. I took in a deep breath – good, I still could, and let it out. For some reason, I was having an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. It woke me up.
Years ago I used to think these symptoms were a heart attack. Because it never was, I learned it wasn’t, and no matter how bad I felt, it would pass. I know that now, but holy crap it doesn’t make going through this any easier.
Worse, this was my second anxiety attack in a week. My mind is now freaking out that this is the start of a new trend.
Many years ago anxiety had a major presence in my life, but through therapy and healing, I got control of it. And here it is again.
What is my body trying to tell me? What is it trying to release? I have no idea.
I did my best to breathe through it. I couldn’t shake the fear. The fear sucked. This isn’t “good” fear where I face something and get to feel good about myself for stepping through it. This sort of fear is just uncontrolled panic. Ugh.
It had no focus. It wasn’t like I was ruminating on something. And believe me, I know there’s plenty to worry about. I do my best to control my inputs, because being here is no fun or constructive.
And I’m most frustrated by the fact that I have spent years of life on healing and growth, and I’m back in this familiar place. All the money and time in the world can’t protect me from this.
It was a sleepless night. I woke up regularly, and would need to control my racing thoughts.
Till finally the sun came up, and the fear was gone. I was tired, and it was a new day. Whatever it was came and went. I file this memory for a future reference to tell myself it wasn’t anything serious and I can get through it. It just sucked.
Today’s article came about from me asking myself what scares me. I’d love to have had some nicely articulated article about a life lesson I could share, and instead this is what came out of me.
There is no “healed”, only “healing”. I’m tired of false prophets pretending they have it all together, and that things like this don’t happen to them. How people look to “strong” leaders, as if they’re beyond this. And all the “healed guru” types wanting to sell you courses that pretend that they never deal with this, and that by buying what they’re selling you’ll never deal with this. It’s all bullshit.
I don’t want to be part of that narrative, so I’m practicing what I preach.
I love helping others. I love being in a place that allows me to. And maybe this is the article that allows me to do that.
It’s OK to struggle. And it’s OK to share the struggles.
What are you struggling with that you’re afraid to admit? Who out there might benefit from hearing you be real about it?
