Do you have an insidious voice that lives rent free in your head always telling you nothing you do is enough, nothing you have is enough, and you’re never enough? I do. Today I decided to write to an earlier version of me, from seven years ago. A letter I have all the authority in the world to write, because I know the truth, having lived it. The letter is below:
Dear 2018 Chris from 2025 Chris,
Dude, I don’t even know where to begin. I know you’re filled with lots of doubts about yourself and your future right now. I know you’ve been in a cycle of pain, self-blame, worry. I know you didn’t talk to Geoff from avoiding the feelings of feeling like such a shit partner. But you did find the courage to finally reach out to him and get together, and finally make the only decision you had in you – to step away. I am so proud of you for making that phone call. That was super hard, and you did it. All by yourself. You found the courage to make that phone call and make the invitation to him to come see you, and work this out. Everything in your life that’s good that happens next comes from that pivotal moment. And, dude, let me tell you, things turn out really good.
I know you’re asking yourself “What’s next?” right now. That’s a fair question, because your life is at a crossroads, and I’m here to share some answers to that, and to make your life a bit easier from knowing it.
First, you know that little blog you just started? The one where you write once a week? Well, you’re going to keep that going, and as of this moment you’ve published over 350 articles and Zoom sessions, sharing your hard-earned wisdom and story with the world. And more specifically, you decided to not chase metrics, and write from a pure place, and you capped your readership at 100. You call it the Frolic 100. This also means you 100X every thought you have instantly. And you’ve done it over 300 times. Just like when you were a rave legend, and worked in the “underground”, you make a profound impact of those around you even if the greater world doesn’t even know you exist (and admit it, you like operating in that space).
You recently did some math, and realized Connor is 10, and in 8 years he’ll be turning 18, a legal adult, and you realized 8 years is around the length of most of the chapters on your life, so you’re thinking you’ll create a new business for these next 8 years. Well, I’m writing this to you at the 7 year mark, Connor is turning 17 this week. And I want to report to you how you did.
Here’s the amazing thing – you’ve accomplished something incredible. You have completely disconnected what you do and the impact you make in the world from the money you generate. You never created another “business”, because you didn’t need to. It just wasn’t that important to you. I know right now you have a lot of worry about the future of Stealth Seminar, the state of how you left things, and what will come of it. Well, let me just say the bet pays off. Not in the way you might have hoped, and it took longer than you and Geoff wanted, but it works out. Here’s the thing – it’s going to take a team of guys over 2 years and over 2 million dollars to replace your work. The same work you’ve been beating yourself up about and criticizing yourself over. You created a masterpiece that has already generated over $10 million. I know you’re in a tough place at the moment where you don’t think you earned that, but you did. Look at the proof of how difficult it was to replace you, and that’s with the added advantage of only having to copy and replicate the work you created from scratch. It’s always easier to copy something than make it from nothing. And you made it from nothing. The legacy from your work at Stealth Seminar will completely fund this next chapter of your life.
So what did you do with yourself when you don’t have to “work” for a living? That’s even more incredible to report to you.
First, you spent many of the next years working on yourself. First from a place of healing, but eventually you switched into a deep exploration of yourself and how you work, so you can share what you learn with others. This deep work on yourself also developed a superpower you have to speak to others on a really deep level.
You know your unfinished memoir that you haven’t touched in almost 10 years? Well, guess what? By the end of next year you’re going to be on stage at The Opera House in Toronto, with 200 people in the audience, celebrating the launch of your book, which also will have a 2 page article about it in the Toronto Star with a headline that says “Toronto was Ground Zero for a Movement”.
And even more important than that, the release of that book will start a process for you of reclaiming that past history of yours. Not that you’ll ever DJ again, but Anabolic Frolic will always live within you and can make a huge impact on the world in new and different ways, and completing that book will be a key step to unlocking and reclaiming that.
Another thing – you stepping out on stage that night, under the spot lights, with microphone, addressing the crowd, will remind you how comfortable you are on stage. And even better – you’re going to buy a standing desk for your office, and you’re going to accidentally discover when you stand at your desk you have the same ability to bring that energy to Zoom.
You’re going to follow that book up with another one, but instead of the 14 years your first book took, you’re going to challenge yourself to complete your next one in 60 days. 60 days later you’re holding your final book in your hands while it’s on sale to the world. This book was very personal as well, all about you overcoming imposter syndrome. And yes, you will one day in the not distant future feel a lot better about yourself.
You’re going to continue to trust yourself, and “follow the energy” in everything you do, as you are disconnected from having to make money from what you do.
In a couple of years you’re going to take all that you’ve learned in your pursuit of self-mastery and demonstrate your ability to go “Beyond the Pale” by creating an experience for someone so powerful that you put a $10 million price tag on it. I just reconnected with that person and they were so affected by that experience they reported that their life was permanently altered and the impact they make that they aspire to one day have the ability to work with you at that level.
That’s not the only incredible thing you do. “Self-mastery” is your key pursuit, and every time you lean into your gifts incredible things happen. You mess around with the idea of an “impossible goal”, and then come up with a doozy- to one day win a Nobel Peace Prize for solving climate change. Well, only a year after you had the courage to start speaking that into the world you found yourself invited to attend the COP28 climate conference in Dubai, where you spoke and appeared on their National News – dressed in full Anabolic Frolic attire – jeans and t-shirt.
You then took what you learned around impossible goals and created a framework you then taught to a bunch of cancer researchers and doctors at Queen’s University – and you introduced yourself to that room as a high school dropout and you put a picture of Super Mario eating a mushroom on the screen to describe what you were about to do with everyone in that room. All of those things you are hiding from right now you learn to lean into, and that is where you make your biggest impact.
You also use this chapter in your life to devote yourself to be the father yours never was to you. You are loving and patient, and your kids don’t grow up with the lesson that “no one is coming to help them”. They’ll learn their tough life lessons from the rest of the world, not from you. I know you’re worried about Connor right now, but I can report from his 11th grade that his report cards are great and all the parent teacher conferences have the teachers glowing about him. He finally pulls it all together, even if I can’t say it’s a smooth ride. There will be bumps in the road, but again, you’ve positioned yourself to be there for him and created a life where that is possible. At one point you asked yourself “What scares me?” and your answer was “Let Connor fail” and he will. He’ll flunk 10th grade math, but when he retakes it he’ll have bounced to the top of the class. You let him struggle his way through, but always supported him while he did. He was the chick cracking out of the egg and needed to put that effort in himself.
Your oldest is going to come out as trans at age 17. You make it a very simple decision – you are clear that you will always love your children. From that place, everything else is easier. You just spent the day with “Sylvia”, now 20 years old, at Niagara Falls yesterday. Just the two of you. Your children enjoy spending time with you. They didn’t run away from home at age 18 like you and your wife did, because home sucked so much. You created the opposite home.
And speaking of your wife, Robin. As I write this you’ve been together for 28 years. You both dedicated yourselves to growing together. 5 years ago you started seeing a couples therapist, not to “fix” you, but to “up-level” your relationship. You were clear that both of you wanted to grow in ways you couldn’t predict or even comprehend. Well, I’m reporting to you 5 years later and you’ve done exactly that. The ways you have grown were unknown to you, and you operate at a level most couples will never know. Your love and connection is deeper than it’s ever been.
There’s much more I can tell you about how you’ve spent these 7 years (and there was a global pandemic in the middle of it that you successfully navigated!), but the main thing is I want to recognize that, just as your relationship with Robin, you will grow in ways you couldn’t have predicted or comprehended, and that trust in yourself to allow that to happen is what makes it possible. You’re going to spend a lot of time judging yourself for all the ways you don’t fit in normal boxes, but I hope this letter might help release that a bit.
You can stop asking “What’s Next?” because the answer then, as it is now is the same: “You’re looking at it.”
You’re doing amazing. I love you, and I’m so proud of you for how you’ve spent these last seven years.
Chris
Here’s the thing about this letter – this letter actually is from my future self to my present. A future where I am relieved of all those feelings of not being enough. This isn’t about integrating my past but of calling myself forward, once again, into the great unknown. This time, with love.
What’s the letter you wished you received? Get writing.
