The day my life changed

It is so easy for me to dazzle people with the “greatest hits” version of my story. To talk about the things I’ve done, to show the pictures and video. I’ve done some cool stuff, no question.

I am often “the most interesting person in the room” and for a long time it was fun to be that for people. To tell my stories. Problem was, I was only telling one slice of it.

No one ever heard of the struggle, unless formed into some sort of “humble brag” story. They never heard the actual truth. I didn’t know how to share it, and frankly, I was ashamed to speak it.

My learned strategy of compartmentalizing my stress, anxiety and trauma allowed me to accomplish great things. Project my strengths and hide my weaknesses. It was “fake it till you make it”, but then keep faking it, never stop faking it. Fake that I had all my shit together.

It worked, until it became untenable. My relationship with my business partner was difficult because I was afraid to talk to him. I avoided him, because I was good at avoiding my problems. Actually, I was a master at avoiding my problems.

The problem I was avoiding with my partner was that he had yelled at me on a phone call. I didn’t understand why at the time, but everything in me avoided being in that situation again (of risk being yelled at) which meant I hardly spoke with him for more than periods of over 6 months at a time. While we ran a multi-million dollar business. The anxiety and fear in me made me do what I could to avoid the situation.

I knew what I was doing was not rational, but it didn’t matter, the survival instinct in me was strong and I couldn’t resist it.

This period of life had me making the most money I had ever made and at the same time I was the most miserable. My unhappiness was present every single day. It went on like this for years.

Finally, I had had enough. I asked my wife to find me a therapist.

“I can’t do that for you, you have to find someone yourself. You can visit websites, but this is a personal decision that you have to make”, Robin said.

So I started poking around websites, looking at bios. I found someone local to me that I could drive to.

I arranged my first visit. I vividly recall barely making it there. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety. Everything in me was telling me not go. It was a war just to make myself go in.

It didn’t get any better once I was in. As I started talking about why I was there, my whole body was overrun with a desire to go to sleep. My brain was trying to protect me. “Go to sleep” it said.

Fortunately, I was in the office of a professional. They told me nothing bad was going to happen to me there. I was in a safe space. They’ll make sure I’m fine. I had no choice but to trust them and I made it through that first session.

Over the next few sessions, I began to learn where these behaviors were coming from – I learned them as a child. In the face of my screaming father. A child can only cower and make themselves small, and I learned how to do that over my childhood. Those learned behaviors stayed with me as an adult, and only got worse and worse without being corrected.

To the point where I subconsciously treated my business partner as my father. I had to hide from him.

When I had the realization of how things from our childhood affect us for the rest of our life something changed in me. I finally had some clarity and understanding for what was happening. Once I started to understand it, I could break the habit from recurring.

I went to therapy, and still continue to go, twice a week. The conversations have evolved from the really obvious surface level anxiety to a much more deeper understanding of how I operate and the person I am.

I now enjoy telling my story, the whole story, with no shame. I see part of my role now in the world is to share this whole story and who can benefit from that.