I’m a big fan of The Sopranos TV series. I’ve watched it more times than I can remember. It’s such a superbly crafted and written show that every viewing gives me new insights into myself. I’m a different person, so how I experience it changes, every time.
A quote from that show has been with me the last week or so: “You’re only as good as your last envelope.”
The direct meaning of that is, within the mafia, your past achievements mean nothing, only the cash you’ve generated for them this past week.
I’ve begun to wonder how am I treating myself with the cruelty and lack of compassion that a mafia boss would treat me?
I’ve living with a paradox that I can make a compelling case that this current chapter of my life is my greatest chapter, that I’ve literally been living it these last several years AND… I’m currently stuck feeling blah, and asking myself once again “What’s Next?”
There’s a part of me that’s not being very kind to myself. Being downright shitty. Saying the metaphorical equivalent of “You’re only as good as your last envelope”.
Not looking for or accepting explanations, telling me they don’t want to hear excuses, not giving a shit.
History has shown me that I have felt this way before, and it assures me that something WILL show up, and I will take bold action in response. I just don’t know what that thing is, this very second. And if you are hard on me and going to demand I do something, it’s not going to feel good. It will feel forced, because it was forced.
It’s like forcing me to go to a job I don’t enjoy.
So if I don’t want to treat myself with the cruelty of a mafia boss, what’s the alternative? What do I want instead?
I want to be understood, and I want people to help me understand myself. Not boss me around or provoke me into action.
I’m going to do this right now, in real time. I’m going to answer the following.
This is what I understand to be true about myself:
- I have felt this way before.
- I was very frustrated in the past when I felt this way.
- Because this seems to cycle, I can probably count on it happening again and again.
- When something shows up, I take decisive action. I move quick. I make heads spin.
- I practice gratitude, so that I feel good about the entire story and path, when I’m able to reflect on it.
- My gratitude practice lets me celebrate the small things.
- What’s different now is I have a much better defined sense of self-awareness (and self-mastery) so the fact that I’m even writing this out is an example of how I’ve changed.
- This self-awareness acts as a comfort and insulator against the more harmful self-judgment and inner critic.
- I use writing as a tool of my own self-mastery and I can tell I already feel differently about this than I did before I started writing.
- People benefit from hearing me share my story, and this is another opportunity.
- Me sharing my whole story is important, personally, because I hate when others only share their highlights. That doesn’t help anyone, because it’s predicated on a bullshit premise that not everyone struggles.
- The fact that I can be dealing with these types of doldrums while several years into this chapter of my life shows it can happen to anyone. That is a valuable lesson.
- I’m proud of myself for my ability to write this and articulate it.
- I feel transformed as a person in the span of 10 minutes of writing this out.
- I strongly want to SHOW and not tell, and right now I’m showing, by working through this process literally in real time.
- This entire article was inspired by a random thought connecting to The Sopranos, which is part of the magic I bring to the table and the varied places I draw inspiration from.
- I’ve been seeking inspiration, and my mind gave me a source of it, through that memory of that quote, and then I connected it to my life as a metaphor.
- I’m really good at metaphors, and here’s an example of how I turned it into a powerful tool.
- My spirits are lifted, right now. I started writing this article in frustration, and now have all this evidence of clarity. Look at this list.
- My commitment to writing one article a week forced me into this, because I knew I had to come up with something.
- This list has been effortless for me, my fingers keep typing. That is quite literal inspiration.
So where am I now, at the end of this article? I am feeling a lot better about myself. The pressure has been lifted. I feel productive and got a great new article from it. Plus a tool showed up that I can now teach and share. I have new language and a metaphor to tap into.
Ironically, as far as “envelopes” go, this one is now big and fat.
I’m curious – what’s your biggest takeaway from watching me work out this process?
