I was recently invited and challenged to attend an event in San Diego this August.
This triggers a lot in me.
The short version of this is that over 20 years ago I was caught, detained and deported for working in the US without a visa as a DJ. This happened in 2000 (prior to 9/11 when we took the border much less seriously). The last time I tried was in 2005, when I was denied entry and held overnight by guard and sent home the next day.
I lived with the fallout of this as the biggest regret of my life, that I destroyed my DJ career. I can only blame myself.
The shame and regret was with me until finally, in 2018, I realized that the life I live today I would not trade away for anything. That includes all the bad parts, including this story. So I’ve healed, in one sense. But I’ve still been afraid of going anywhere near this.
I can offer myself some retroactive grace. As a young person, we all make mistakes. I also understand better now my own story, as someone who learned at a young age no one was coming to help me. I didn’t know how to get the help I needed navigating these waters with work visas. Instead, I handled it the only way I knew how, and paid the price.
After my denial of entry in 2005 I gave up completely. It was a traumatic experience, and very scary to put myself in the position of returning to the scene of a crime. It was easier to give up than feel unsafe.
My wife is from California and this means I have not visited Robin’s family since then. Robin has brought our kids alone to California because I was unable to go along.
I would have liked to have done things like take my kids to Disney World, but accepted my part of why that couldn’t happen.
There are plenty of other places in the world to visit, I figured.
I’m motivated to deal with this now, because there’s a question of how much of this is me giving into my fear now versus how much is the US actually stopping me. I can’t answer that at the moment.
So I’m committed to removing my part of the equation. I can’t guarantee I’ll be in San Diego, but if I’m not there it will not be because I didn’t do anything about it or that I was the one stopping me.
I want to remove the power of those old stories, of how overwhelming the entire experience was and is. Of how I tried and failed in the past. Of how painful my shame was around those events.
I can feel the shift in my own fear around this. I can feel my shame evaporating. It’s taken these recent years of inner work and healing. I likely couldn’t have considered taking this on until now. Every time this has come up in the past, I usually had a reflex of fear. I couldn’t even muster up the strength to have a conversation with a lawyer.
It’s been so long since I’ve traveled I don’t even have a valid passport, so the first step is to get a new passport. That seems like a manageable first step.
I’ve also reached out to some friends who might be able to help me. I know I’m worthy of being helped and there is help out there.
I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know if I’ll be able to see my friends in August. However, I do know that I’m no longer the one stopping that from happening. My fear is no longer stopping me from trying.
I don’t know what the chances are. But I do know the chances are greater than zero. And for that reason I must try.
I like to say “I create games I win the moment I decide to play them” and I can see myself doing it here. The victory has nothing to do with what the US government decides, since that is out of my hands. The victory is that I’m willing to play my game in the first place.
What old stories of yours have you been living with? What would be the simplest first step in creating a new game around it?
