At the worst of the depths of my imposter syndrome I felt like Bernie Madoff. I had fooled the world, or at least that is what I thought.
It was only a few years ago, as I looked for things to do with myself, I didn’t even feel qualified to judge a high school business competition. Seeing those teenagers in their suits and ties, future MBA students, and here I was, the high school drop out who didn’t own a suit. It didn’t matter that I had this huge story of things I’ve done. I kept telling myself I had gone about it so differently, I had nothing to offer anyone.
It finally changed for me when I realized these exact things I was ashamed of, my unconventional path, my non-traditional education, the fact that I don’t seek permission, my self-reliance, the audaciousness of my story – those exact things make me great. That I had accomplished everything I did the way I did it was why I should be proud of myself. I was the opposite of an imposter. I was the real deal. I finally started to see it for myself.
Those of you who have been part of my blog for a long time have watched this progression in real time play out.
Here’s the thing though – I’m still scared.
Yes, I did all those things, and yes they were amazing and awesome, and I’m still scared I can’t do it again.
I’m older now. Back in the day I was a young kid with nothing to lose. Now I have a lot to lose.
Back in the day I could do what it takes, I could sleep on the floor to make it happen. I’m not willing to do that anymore.
I have responsibilities. I have a family to support and take care of. It’s not just about me.
I have a life I’ve created that I love. I’m not willing to trade it away.
A lot of how I made things possible in the past was I played on the edge. For years. Like early explorers in the New World, I burned my ships, making it impossible to go back. It was survive or die.
That’s actually the only way I know how to do things. I’ve never created something from this place that I’m in today of abundance. Complacency is my biggest enemy now.
There’s still something in me that wants to make an impact. I feel very much like I have unfinished business. What’s new for me is to make it work from this current place I’m in. I can’t go back.
Because I don’t know how to do this is scary. It’s scary because I wonder if I still can do it.
Like an older boxer, lacing up their boots, and wondering if they still have it in them.
And I’m going to have to find a new way to do it. From this place I’m currently in. Not knowing is scary.
My hope is some time in the future we can look back at this post and say “See, you did do it, even though you were scared at that time. There was nothing to be scared of”.
But I don’t have a crystal ball, so that means I’ll be dealing with the fear until then. I’m scared because I don’t know.
The fear tells me though that I have a fire left. I’m not done yet. If I was as “retired” as I say I am, I wouldn’t care.
I use fear as a compass. I often check in with myself with “What scares me?”
Today, it was about admitting I’m scared.
What scares you today?
