At the depths of my crisis, my acute imposter syndrome, my overwhelming anxiety, it got to the point where I felt you could hold a gun to my head and order me to do the work I needed to do, and it still wouldn’t get done. You would have to kill me and I would accept my death.
The fact that I was making millions of dollars during this same time period compounded everything to me. I couldn’t escape the feeling that I had gotten lucky. That it could all go poof in a moment’s notice. That I’ll never have this success again.
If there was a time to delegate, it was years earlier. That horse had left the barn and was off in some meadow hundreds of miles away.
I wanted “out” for at least 4 years before this date. 4 years of being extremely unhappy. Paralyzed in fear. Fear kept me miserable by not taking action.
And when I finally did take action, I was only capable of a single choice – abdication. I’d take a walk, hand 100% control of everything to my partner, and hope for the best.
How I exited added to my guilt and me beating myself up.
I can forgive myself now. Abdication was the best choice available to me at the time. The best thing I could do was step away. It was going to be messy, and had huge risk, AND was still the best choice left.
It took over 2 years for that decision to finally conclude. It was painful. The business needed to make a massive reinvestment in itself to make up for me leaving. A new team would be assembled. They would start from scratch.
To be on the safe side, I initially tripled the forecasted budget. I was wrong. It ended up taking 8 times the money the initial budget projected.
While that new team replaced me, and my partner learned to operate the business without me, I did the work on myself I desperately needed.
Some truths came out:
- If a gun to my head wasn’t going to motivate me to do the work, I can start to forgive myself that it wasn’t getting done.
- I’d never trade this time in my life, these years in my mid-40s, to deal with my mental health, for any amount of money.
- What I accomplished, with no formal education or training, and working solo, was so amazing a team of professionals needed years and millions of dollars to copy my work.
- It’s always easier to copy something than create it, so not only did I make something incredible, I created it from scratch without following someone else’s work.
- Even though the budget was blown by a factor of 8, it was self-funded. Funded from the profits of the company I co-founded and software I created. It paid for its own replacement. To this date we never took an investor on and my partner and I own the company 50/50. That is an incredible accomplishment that I’m still letting sink in.
- I’m an artist that creates “art”. I work alone. I can forgive myself that I didn’t transition into management and being a boss.
- It was painful, AND it all worked out. It was like I was lost in the desert, picked a direction and started walking. I can’t get upset at myself that there might have been a city 1 mile behind me in the other direction. That was completely unknowable to me. I picked a direction and started to go. I finally emerged from the desert. I lived. I can celebrate that, not beat myself up by looking at a map and second-guessing there were other ways.
- I learned to forgive myself for everything, unconditionally. I don’t need to apply logic or make the case. I’m worthy of forgiveness.
- I was a great partner to my partner. I was motivated by what would serve him best. There’s no point going over the “Shoulda/woulda/couldas”. In the end it all worked out and I took an incredible risk out of loyalty to him.
- Sitting here in front of you, writing this, I wouldn’t trade anything for this moment. And that includes the pain I endured through my painful abdication. In the end, it has put me right here.
I realize while writing this, self-forgiveness is a theme of mine. It was so necessary for me. Of forgiving myself for mistakes and failures, whether real or imagined. All of those experiences made me who I am today, and for that I am grateful.
Where in your life can you bring in self-forgiveness and gratitude for your own story?
