Here’s a powerful tool that I’ve created to help myself deal with some of my feelings lately around success and guilt.
The point of it is to bring clarity in, and get out of the amorphous haze of letting the emotions run roughshod over you when they’re simply not even true and certainly not deserved.
This has been modeled on previous tools I’ve created, except this time focused on the particular problem of guilt feelings acting as a break preventing you from having more of the very things you are after.
Step 1: Define what success is for you. Get clear. Get specific. List the success you already have accomplished (not the success you are chasing or have eluded you). This is your list, not someone else’s definition – that is an important point. Click here to see mine that I’ve written previously.
Step 2: Once Step 1 is completed, return to your list and for EACH item, ask these 3 questions:
- How did I deserve this success?
- Who is harmed by it?
- Who benefits from it?
You are going to know exactly what it took for each item, so number 1 will be straight forward. What was the work and effort that you put in that made this success possible? Take the credit and write it out.
For the second, focus on the people directly around you who are impacted by you. Your answer is likely going to be “no one”, which is important for addressing your guilty feelings. Sometimes you might come up with someone being harmed, indirectly or directly. Challenge yourself by asking if this is actually true? And if it is true, ask yourself is this a metric of success that you still want? Maybe it’s time to drop it. If so, drop it off your list.
For #3, Who benefits from it? This is your compass about what is truly important.
Think about who benefits. Probably yourself, the people around you. Name them. Name yourself. And then ask yourself “Who else?”. Name them.
Go through your entire list, item by item. Get really specific. Do not answer these questions as a catch-all.
For example, in my own list of successes, my first example of success is this:
Success is being with the one true love of my life for over 25 years and feeling the last 5 years were our best years. That is a sliding window that will always remain true.
And now if I ask myself those questions.
How was this deserved? Being loyal and true to Robin from the moment we first met. By both of us agreeing a long time ago that we saw ourselves with each other for the duration and we would agree to never threaten to break up as a way to hurt each other. That we talk all the time. That we committed ourselves to always improve, that we continue to up-level in couples therapy and use those tools outside of therapy. By being true partners in life, and doing the work that makes that possible.
Who was harmed by this? No one.
Who benefits from this? Me. Robin. Our children. Other people who get to see an example of a healthy relationship. People that hear our stories on the work we do.
Step 3: Once completed, share your list and answers with someone. Say them aloud. Be witnessed sharing your successes, and your answers.
And then sit with the result.
What changes for you immediately from speaking them aloud to someone?
What becomes possible?
If you would like to be MY witness, here is a recording of me working through my entire list of success with this tool:
My personal experience is that guilt feelings are attached to unclear thoughts and generalities. Some mutant version of my father’s voice. But by getting clear on what success is for me, and by asking myself why I actually deserved each item, that I’m not harming anyone, and getting clear on who is actually benefiting, it has become crystal clear to me that it isn’t helping anyone if I stop chasing more of this success. I can be selfish for more of this success. I, the people around me, and the world is actually better for it. The more success I have, the more everyone, and the world, benefits.
And the same is true for you.
