I’ve been dealing with a lot behind the scenes. One of the things I’m learning about myself is my natural habit of soldiering on in the face of huge adversity and not revealing to anyone else what is going on. I tend not to talk about the tough times in my life until they are in my past, and then they become stories I share. My challenge now is to share what I’m going through and allow myself to be supported by others.
A few weeks ago my 75-year-old mother suffered a brain aneurysm while walking in her neighborhood. She was brought to a hospital and had some emergency surgery treating the aneurysm. Then we waited to see what the recovery might be like. She isn’t able to communicate, or respond to people. She’s the same today as they day she went into the hospital. Three weeks later the doctor has told us because of her age, and lack of progress, we have to start thinking about “what’s next”.
I traveled the 5 hours to see my mom in the hospital. She didn’t know I was there. I was glad to have gone to support my sister who lives in the same city, but there was nothing more for me to do so I went home to be with my own family.
Like a lot of people, relationships with parents can be complicated. The last communication I had with my mother was a less-than-kind text message she had sent to me. It made me angry and I didn’t respond for 3 weeks, and then this happened. That text message might be the last thing my mother ever says to me.
Obviously, this whole situation is weighing on me.
Simultaneously to that, my youngest son has been having a hard time again. He has his ups and downs, but he’s older now (14) and a big kid, so his outbursts are scarier. I hoped he was beyond this so it’s disheartening to be dealing with it again. Last week he was suspended from school for striking his principal with a stick. Yesterday I had to go pick him up again because he didn’t want to be at school. Him leaving school is the “least worst” thing that can happen. I’m looking into alternative schools for him for next year, but right now we’re dealing with this. I’m scared for my son, and I’m also scared of him, if I’m honest. It’s a scary place to be.
I’m on high alert for my phone ringing at the moment, either from the school or about my mom’s condition. I’ve had phone calls about both come in regularly. I’m not able to relax.
I’m grateful that my already light schedule is even more light and I can have this time and make myself available for any emergency that comes up.
I’m going to give myself 60 days of not pressuring myself to do much else. That will get me to the end of the school year and through any funeral arrangements for my mom if that’s where things go.
I will continue to write for the Frolic 100 when I’m able to/inspired to as it is something I enjoy and I don’t want to give up the pleasures in my life, but if I miss a week you’ll know why.
