There are 2 words/phrases that almost always show up when I’m feeling bad about myself:
Should
and
Supposed to
“I should be working harder on my book”
Or
“I’m supposed to be making the world a better place.”
Here are some more of the ones I live with:
I should lose weight.
I’m supposed to be doing more with my life.
I should make some more money.
I’m supposed to be a good son to my parents.
I should be doing more. (wow, this one is particularly dug in, it keeps coming up as I write)
I’m supposed to grow my followers and reach.
I should work harder.
Often I don’t even catch myself. I live with these self-judgments.
But where are they coming from?
No one is going to come knocking at my door and say “Get to work!”
This is messaging I’ve absorbed from society, about the value of work, and how we’re supposed to spend our time. (There’s “supposed to” again).
I’m in a constant state of turmoil and self-judgment. On one hand, when I recount how I’ve been spending my recent years, I am quite proud of it.
On the other hand, there is a part of me always searching and forcing myself to do more.
Who is making me? No one. The fact is my needs are met. What is true right now is that I have plenty of resources. I’m living my dream life by the metrics I’ve determined are important to me. I’ve reached my own personal levels of success.
AND… It feels like I’m “supposed to” be doing… more.
Says who?
I’m writing this article now not because I should, but because I enjoy it. It gives me pleasure to see how many articles I’ve created (now over 300). That’s part of a legacy I’m creating. It gives me pleasure knowing I’ve created a system of having a private list of 100 people who read my thoughts. I literally 100X every thought I’m moved to share. That is impact. And I’m not chasing trying to please an algorithm. What I write and share is real. That makes me feel good. Nothing there about what I should or am supposed to do.
I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I’m actively doing is catch myself when “should” and “supposed to” show up.
I’ll simply call it out in myself. “Oh, there it is!”
And because I do it in myself, I can do it with other people.
“Hey, I’m noticing you’re using ‘should’ there… Is that something you actually want for yourself, or is it coming from somewhere else?”
The “where” it’s coming from is almost always somewhere out in the ether, not from a specific person or reason. It’s insidious messaging we’ve absorbed from society, or messed up lessons from our parents (my father’s voice is particularly harsh on me).
The best thing you can do is simply stop and notice those particular words when they show up. Then ask, is this actually important to you or is it coming from somewhere else?
And then let it go.
