The best word I can describe my state of mind lately is “confusion”. It’s something I’ve felt before, and makes answering questions like “What’s next?” or even “What do you want?” very difficult. Nothing comes up. I’ve decided to be kinder to myself and stop asking, at least for a while.
Confusion is different from “I don’t know”. “I don’t know” can be played with, and creatively explored. “I don’t know” can be the start of literally anything, and that is exciting. “I don’t know” has limitless possibility. I can proudly answer “I don’t know” at times, and be eager with what will show up.
Confusion is like a dampening field, reducing all thoughts and inspiration.
I’ve had difficulty speaking about my confusion, or at least articulating it clearly. I’ve felt stupid. I’ve felt embarrassed. I feel bad when I can’t point at examples of going from one awesome thing to the next. I feel bad when people seem confused by my own confusion. Like I’m the failure. I can feel like I’ve failed at explaining myself. But how can I explain myself when I’m feeling confused myself?
Just recently I decided to share my confusion with someone. At first, they tried to make me feel better by reminding me how awesome I am. But that wasn’t the help I needed. I didn’t need to be reminded of that, nor did I need to turn on my awesomeness in that moment. I needed to sit in my confusion and have them sit with me in it. Like grief.
And then they saw it. And then they told me something I hadn’t considered: There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s not my fault.
It was like a weight lifted. That this confusion is different than “I don’t know”, and that’s OK.
Once I had the distinction of “I don’t know” vs confusion, I started seeing my confusion as a defensive technique. A very effective one because I didn’t even know or understand it was there.
I’ve gotten very attuned at recognizing other defensive techniques, like fear. When I’m afraid of something I have 100% clarity. There it is. Feel the fear and still do the thing. I can acknowledge I’m a master at that. My greatest stories all feature it.
Defensive techniques are always motivated by positive intentions, even if they are maladaptive.
What was my mind using confusion to try and defend me against?
And then I realized it: Guilt.
I feel guilt a lot. Guilt for my success. Guilt that I’ve “made it”, and other people are homeless, sleeping in tents. Guilt that I have peace and comfort in my life, and others don’t.
The confusion is trying to stop me from feeling more guilt. By preventing me from having more success, it thinks it can protect me from more guilt.
I already feel guilt from the success I’ve had. So, if “success” is giving me guilt, my mind is using this tool of confusion to stop me from feeling more guilt – by making me blind to more opportunities of success.
Finally. I can see it.
Seeing it is always the first step. Things will never be the same. I already know what my next step will be.
This is why I needed to pause on my latest book – I was not done living through this. It would have been a mistake to have forced my way to completing it. I had to sit with my confusion. I had to allow myself the shame and let other people also see it. I had to clearly see it, for the first time. This will be an important part of the book and my story.
As always, I’m curious how my story resonates with you?
