I was hoping to be back in the United States this week. A leadership group I’m a part of is meeting there. For the last couple of years I’ve been slowly addressing one of the biggest stories I carry around with me – how I got myself banned from entering the United States 24 years ago for working as a DJ without a visa.
For a long time, I had simply given up and buried the entire idea of ever going back. So much time had passed I wasn’t even sure any longer whether it was them or me keeping me out. Was it only my fear? A couple of years ago, I faced my fear, tried to enter the US, and proved it wasn’t me – it was them. That kicked off a legal process for me, which finally culminated last year in facing my fears again and completing the final part by walking across the Rainbow Bridge in Niagara Falls to submit my paperwork in person. A big part of my request to enter was to attend this very conference.
And then it became a game of “hurry up and wait”.
And I’m still waiting.
I was supposed to fly out yesterday, had I received my go ahead. But I’m still waiting.
My group will be meeting without me.
Those who follow my story here know I haven’t worked as hard towards something as this. And my entry still didn’t work out in time.
I could choose to see this in many ways; emphasizing how I’ve already won by facing my fears and completing the process (very true), or that this is simply a small blip in an ongoing life-long story (also true), or that I can take some peace in knowing I did everything that was under my control and now it isn’t (also very true). But sometimes things simply don’t go the way we want. No matter how much we wanted it, no matter how much effort we put in, no matter how good we’ve gotten at making incredible things happen. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes you are literally held back by forces out of your control. I feel powerless in this moment.
I am sharing this because part of my mission in sharing my story is to tell the whole story. Not just the highlight reel of successes. That does a disservice to everyone I hope to help. I resent it when I see it done by others. I’m attracted to people who can be real about what’s going on in their lives and I aspire to be real as well.
I did my best, and it wasn’t good enough. That’s just how life rolls sometimes.
I’m letting myself feel my frustration in not going. I’ll sulk about it for a bit. And then I’m going to get over it and keep moving forward. To quote Rocky Balboa : “Life isn’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you get hit, and keep moving forward.”
What’s also interesting about that quote to me is the version of Rocky that said it. That was from one of the later movies, Rocky Balboa (2006), when Rocky was in his 50s. He’s older and wiser (as was the writer of that movie, Sylvester Stallone himself). That is the wisdom he has to share now. Hard earned wisdom.
So, I’m going to allow myself to feel everything I’m feeling this week, and then dust myself off and get back in the ring.
This story isn’t done yet.
What resonates about what I just shared with your own story?
