Robin and I are celebrating 25 years together this year (20 of those married). We often joke that we should write a relationship book, and I do think that will be a future book of mine. The early days of our relationship was documented in my memoir, and it was definitely a trial by fire. As young people with no support around them, we had to wrestle with Robin’s mental health crisis and suicidality. Many of those memories were too painful for me to share until 20 years later with the release of my book.
And yet, here we are.
We’re in a different place today, and really are different people, as you might expect after all these years together. We’re an effective team.
We’ve seen a couples’ therapist multiple times. The first was before we were married. I was trying to work out whether I had the energy to continue being Robin’s caretaker and didn’t know if I wanted to get married. During this round of therapy, the therapist was able to show us that Robin had as much power in the relationship as I had and corrected for this imbalance. It gave Robin some much needed power back. Robin wasn’t just waiting for me to make a decision about our future, but could make that decision as well. That was the breakthrough we needed. After some months we found we had nothing to talk about any longer in therapy and concluded the sessions. We got married within a year.
More recently, starting over 2 years ago, Robin and I started seeing a therapist again not to save or fix our relationship but to “up level” it. We had a shared belief that we wanted to look back in 5 years’ time and say our relationship grew in ways we didn’t even know possible. We’ve been collecting the fruits of that labor now. Robin has become my “dance partner” in my personal growth journey. We act as mirrors for each other at any moment about what is really going on inside of us.
I thought I had done the necessary work on myself to get over the trauma in my early life, but I’ve become aware how much it continued (and continues) to play out between Robin and I. The best thing I can do is get faster at recognizing when it’s happening.
The biggest challenges have been to shut down the defensive habits we both fall into at times and listen to the other person.
I’ve also learned that some of my early childhood coping strategies, that once served me as what I call “beneficial malfunctions”, have become more malfunction and less beneficial as the years and decades continue on. These habits grew and grew, until they took over.
Just like how I learned to hide and runaway from my problems, or perceived problems, and eventually estranged myself from my business partner. This attempt at trying to keep myself safe was actually hurting me.
In our marriage, this habit of hiding meant me not voicing my opinion on something, rather than risk upsetting Robin. Robin grew to think that I just didn’t have opinions on anything. The truth was I was too afraid to speak them.
In the early days of our therapy, there was a lot of pain I’d have to expose myself to, when I spoke up and Robin didn’t agree with me or was annoyed or frustrated with me. I interpreted that as anger. What I experienced as a 5-alarm fire of anger Robin would correct me and say it was only a “0.5 out of 10”. I would learn to trust Robin and re-calibrate my anger sensitivity. I’d also learn it’s ok for Robin to be frustrated with me, or even be angry, because that is normal and we’d both get over it. I don’t have to cower like a child.
We consider our therapy session every week as “couples time”. We treat it the same as if we do other things together, like going out to eat or watch a show together.
Sometimes these sessions can be painful, with tears shed, and this is where the growth lies.
I talk a lot about my time in therapy because I want to fight against the social stigmas about it. It doesn’t mean you are weak or broken. It has been a powerful tool for me these past several years, both as an individual, and as a couple. Most of my reflections that I write and share are only possible because of the insights I get into myself from my therapy work.
I’m looking forward to what will be possible for Robin and I for the next 25 years, from this new “up leveled” place.
What was the biggest take-away for you, personally, from what I shared above?
What is my biggest takeaway? Sure.
“In our marriage, this habit of hiding meant me not voicing my opinion on something, rather than risk upsetting Robin. Robin grew to think that I just didn’t have opinions on anything. The truth was I was too afraid to speak them”
Undoubtedly you are in a relationship with a toxic narcissist. It is good to know you have your own therapist. Not many will understand what you are going through unless they are insiders and are your friends who are not common friends with her. If you don’t have these resources, you’ll lose your perception of reality to her triangulations and gaslighting. I can imagine (and know) that it is incredibly isolating to have to manage this type of relationship.