I’m practicing letting the positive in

I’ve realized the words I have the hardest time hearing are the ones I want to hear the most. Of the impact I made simply by showing up and being me. Every day I find ways to do that, but I’ve begun to notice if you actually remark that you were impacted the way I wanted, I have a hard time hearing it.

I have a very re-enforced habit of self-validation. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m being awesome. I find and create moments of awesomeness, and feel real good about it. I’ll notice myself pacing around my house, feeling euphoric. When I catch myself doing this, I know I’ve “upleveled” again in some way.

“I’m so proud of myself”, I’ll report to Robin, after I did something bold and awesome.

But when someone other than myself notices, and tells me, I squirm. I got annoyed with an event promoter telling me he could feel the impact I was having on his event. If my name is said by someone, about how I impacted them, I shut down and run in the other direction. I usually will not continue reading it or watching it if in video form.

I have boxes of magazine articles and memorabilia about my DJ career that I’ve never read.

There’s a framed newspaper article on the wall that’s visible behind me when I’m on video that I’ve not read.

If I’ve found myself on the receiving end of nice things through some sort of exercise, my brain conveniently pivots to the “They’re really talking about themselves. This isn’t about you.”

I recognize this now as a trauma response, trying to protect me. To protect myself from bad things said about me, the safest thing is to not let in ANYTHING said about me. To only rely on myself.

Another instinct it is tied to is if someone says something nice about me, it’s because they want something from me and are simply trying to butter me up. I sense neediness all the time. If they are needy, then anything nice they have to say about me has no value.

But that doesn’t serve me any longer.

This has been an ongoing challenge of mine for basically this entire year. I’m reflecting on it today because a Frolic 100 member sent me the email below. I didn’t read it at first. I asked Robin to read it and tell me if it was ok. Then I did read it. I read it aloud. Letting it wash over me and my defenses.  

And now I’m sharing it here, to further strengthen its words and meaning to me. Everything below is true.

Hey Chris,

I’ve been thinking about what I want to say since our call, as it impacted me deeply. I want to thank you for letting me inside the wall. For allowing me to witness how hard it is for you to receive acknowledgement. To be seen.

I want you to know how much I admire and respect you. How you sharing your journey and your pain so openly and vulnerably impacts those around you.

Your boldness in being who you are, proudly and unashamedly is so inspiring, particularly knowing that you spent so much time hiding and living in shame. It is a huge act of courage to take ownership of all the incredible things you have achieved in your life, but even more so to take ownership of how you felt at the time. To admit to the depth of your feelings around being a fraud, of worrying that you would be caught out.

I see how much you care about other people, how much you want to help, to be of service. I see how damn good you are at that. I admire how much you are a champion for your kids, and how you champion yourself.

I want to acknowledge you for having the courage to say no, and not allowing the no to leak out later. And I want to acknowledge you for allowing me to write you this email. I can imagine the challenge it will be for you to allow this in, to allow yourself to receive this recognition. I hope you’re still reading!

I want to acknowledge your desire to be seen, understood, to be felt deeply and the fear that goes with that desire. And I want you to know that I see you. I see me in you. The little boy in me, sees the little boy in you. His big heart, the love that he brings into the world, the difference that he wants to make. His fear, his loneliness, how unsafe he feels. How bold and audacious he is, while at the same time scared and confused. His courage in standing up to be counted despite the fear.

Lastly, I want to acknowledge your power of connection. The way you bring people together, through your combination of vulnerability and boldness is unique and special.

Thank you for being you. You inspire me every day. 🙂