My wife and I have been making incredible progress in our couples’ therapy. We started it not to save or repair our relationship, but to “up level” it. Both of us had a goal, of imagining 5 years from now looking back and realizing we had grown in ways that we didn’t know possible when we started. We’re a year into the weekly therapy, and things are starting to snowball.
I didn’t realize how much I project my own thoughts onto what Robin says, and Robin does on me. Robin is very opinionated, and very vocal with their (Robin identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. I have started to correct my own language around it.) opinions.
One of my first challenges was speaking up in the face of a strong opinion, because I’m afraid of anger. It feels much safer to say nothing. So I started speaking up more, at risk of enraging Robin.
And right there, look at the language I just used – “enraging” Robin.
My anger meter is completely miscalibrated. Growing up in my house as a child, with a screaming father, I don’t know what normal anger looks like. It’s either a 0 or 100. Anything above 0 is extremely frightening to me.
In our work together, I was able to get clarification from Robin about this.
“Hold on, so you’re NOT actually angry at me because I feel differently about this?”
“No, I love you, and I value your opinion, even if it’s not the same. And even if it does upset me, that is only temporary and will pass, and I will never stop loving you because of it.”
This is a fundamental shift in how I am in the world. From scared child, always worried about the threat of withdrawl of love hanging over me to someone who isn’t.
And now I use that fear as a check-in for myself… is this fear that I’m feeling in this moment real, or is it from someplace in my past?
I had also misinterpreted Robin’s opinions as Robin’s belief that their truth was THE truth and that there was no room for me to say anything else.
I’ve been able to get clarification from Robin that they are only stating what is true for them.
And then I realized, there’s an unspoken sentence that gets tacked onto every opinion:
“…and you don’t know shit!”
So I as experiencing Robin stating their opinion about something, and then in my own mind I hear “…and you don’t know shit!”
So I was able to ask Robin, frankly… is this not how they actually feel?
The answer was of course not. Because of my deep love and trust with Robin, I’ve decided that I would trust Robin’s account more than what I was actually feeling. I’m willing to challenge my own reality.
The same goes for any time I feel defensive. Is this real? Is this earned? Or is this from my past?
The fortunate thing is with my loving dance partner, I can ask that question and check in with Robin.
And of course the same is true in reverse. Robin has a narrative in their head that I think they’re being “hysterical” or “maladaptive” and judging them. Robin is now able to ask “is this real?” and check in with me.
This is some of the most powerful work I’ve done.
And what’s amazing, is now that I’ve learned this through my work with Robin, I have been applying it to every interaction I have. I don’t even need the other person to know what I’m doing or thinking. I can simply ask myself “is this real?” and when the answer is undoubtedly “no”, I can check myself, and remind myself I can lower my defensiveness in this moment.
What’s the first step you can take to stop yourself and ask “Is what I’m feeling real, or is this an outsized reaction that is coming from somewhere else?” the next time you feel scared or defensive?
